LADEEEEZ and GENULMEN welcome to the inaugural (and hopefully only) socially distanced Annual Awards. Your hosts for this evening are Less Galey and Cloudier Winteringham. “Good evening everyone” gushed Less “Let’s dive straight in…. Cloudier”
“Yes thank you Less, the first category for this evening is the ‘King of the Mountain’ challenge. This took place on a Strava segment called ‘Chris’ s Hill’. A 2km climb averaging around 3.3% with maximum 7%……. Less”
“Thank you Cloudier, in 3rd place we have Chad Bradley with a time of 4:59, in 2nd place James Miller with a good time of 4:46 but with a runaway time of 4:26 and an average speed of 28.2kph the winner of the Polkadot Pants is” …… Boom boom…. Boom boom……. Boom boom….. “Olivier Whettem!” “Thank you” he uttered embarrassingly as he was presented the award going on to add “I was fortunate to have a strong following wind”
Grabbing the mic from his hands, Cloudier continued “Now we come to the Sprint Challenge. This year it was held once again on the Ionians Pass. A short flat section of 0.85km. Unfortunately some roadworks appeared near the end curtailing the number of attempts……over to you Less”
“Thank you Cloudier. In 3rd place we have Neil Ziemski with a time of 1:14, in 2nd place Michael Kerrigan with a time of 1:04 but topping them all with a time of 1:02 and an average speed of 49.9kph, the winner of the Green Pants Award is” …………. Boom boom………. Boom boom………. Boom boom……. wait for it…… “Chris Shepherd!” “Thank you everyone. I’m sure I could have gone quicker as I eased off before the end” he claimed.
Cloudier retrieved the mic giving him a sceptical look in the process. “The final challenge this year was the Individual Time Trial following a course called ‘The Shark’s Tooth’. It is a lumpy circular section covering 10.8km starting and finishing at the Walkington traffic lights…… Less”
“Thanks again Cloudier, in 3rd place with a time of 19:04 is Michael Kerrigan, in 2nd place with a time of 19:02 we have Chris Shepherd but topping them all with a time of 18:38 and an average speed of 34.8kph is…… Boom boom……. Boom boom……. Boom boom……. Olivier Whettem!”.”What, no trophy” he exclaimed as he gazed forlornly at the empty hands of Less Galey.
“Well ladies and gentlemen that leaves only one award to be presented and that is the Yellow Pants award” continued Cloudier. Just about then there was a kerfuffle in the audience as Sarah fought her way onto the stage with ruffled feathers claiming “Point of Order Mr Chairman!” “Where are the Ladies Awards?” she cried as her eyes hooked on on Neil who was currently shrinking into his chair. “I bust a gut round that Shark’s Tooth” she said accusingly. “Maybe next year Sarah” he replied meekly.
“Well” said Cloudier “by the magic of modern technology we can at least acknowledge your effort of 21:43 giving you an average speed of 29.9kph and bagging the Queen of Mountain title at the same time”. Clutching her imaginary “Shark’s Tooth” Sarah proceeded with her prepared speech “I’d like to thank my Mum, my dad, my kids, my dog… ” just as the tears were forming in her eyes a voice from the audience called out “Hey get off, those tears will dilute my beer!” Searching around in the direction of the heckle, her stare fixated on Chris, “Just you wait till I get you home” she muttered as she headed back to her seat.
“Getting back to the matter in hand” said Less Galey “The Yellow Pants Award. This is awarded to the person considered to have made the most of their membership throughout the year, either by regular contribution or attendance. This year the award goes to….. Boom boom……. Boom boom…… Boom boom……. Paul Walker. “Brilliant thanks a lot” he said as he took hold of the award “I’ll hang this up in pride of place”
“Well folks that’s about all we have time for except to confirm the ‘leading lady’ for both Chris’s Hill and Ionian sprint was Heather. A big thank you to all who made attempts. Get your thinking caps on for next year’s challenges. So it’s goodnight from Cloudier” “And it’s goodnight from Less” “Goodnight”.