“This Friday’s route is a little like school custard” suggested route master Mr Bumble “It’s lumpy but satisfying. Line up at the ‘Light Dragoon canteen’ at 10am if you want some”. After a few assented, one brave ‘boy’ ventured “Please sir, can we have some more?” he enquired tentatively before clarifying “.. more early. There’s a chance of rain in the afternoon and I wouldn’t want to dilute our custard.” Within minutes while most of us donned ‘tin hats’ and dived for cover, Matthew adopted his best Frankie Howard impression “Ooh er missus. Careful Melvin” he warned “You may getya assresized!” However “Mr Bumble” was in benevolent mood assuring us all that we should be home before the rain arrives.

The day dawned with bright sunshine but with a stubbornly strong wind from the south west. Eleven Knights turned up to sample Mr Bumble’s ‘lumpy custard’. However at the appointed hour, no-one seemed keen to be first ‘in the queue’. Eventually Norman took up the mantle leading us into the breeze, figuring that if he’s on the front everyone would have to go at his pace.

The first taste of the “gruel” on offer soon arrived as we turned towards South Dalton and headed upwards to Holme-on-the-Wolds. Maintaining our ‘sedentary’ pace we reached the top mostly together. “Well that wasn’t too bad” suggested some. The next course was a short ‘flattish’ aperitif but almost directly into the wind followed by some more ‘lumpy’ bits and a final ‘chaser’ into Middleton-on-the-Wolds.

“Are we ready for some more?” asked Mr Bumble as we continued to devour our way through to North Dalton. Now it was time for the “hor d’oevre” as we turned into the wind along Dalton Dale towards Warter. On reaching our turn off, Norman cried out “I want some Nunburnholme! Aren’t we going to Nunburnholme?” “Sorry sir, Nunburnholme hill is not on the menu today but we are going to the top of Nunburnholme”. “But I’ve brought my best ‘bib and tucker’ just for the occasion! This way is cheating” he cried.

After polishing off the “hor d’oevre” we felt on “top of the World”….well at least the top of Nunburnholme. The next appetiser saw us all heading downhill to Londesborough. The pleasure such a “cruise” was somewhat tempered by the continual barrage from the side wind. “Not often you have to peddle downhill” was one comment overheard. The “main course” soon arrived as we were presented with Intake Hill and a side of Market Weighton followed by “leg of Goodmanham”.

Finally it was time for a little breather as we headed for the Fiddle Drill. Having given our “digestive juices” a rest, Mr Bumble asked “Does anyone want some more?”. “Can we have our pudding now?” asked one speculatively. “Pudding!” bellowed Mr Bumble “How can you have any pudding when you haven’t finished your meat? There’s still a climb to the top of Cross Gate!” Setting off from the cafe there was the sound of gnashing teeth, either that or grinding gears as we finally came to the “sweet course”.

With the wind now firmly behind we began to “melt” downhill faster than an ice-cream in the desert. Indeed we enjoyed it so much we all cried out for MORE! so instead of turning off towards Kiplingcotes as planned we continued back to Holme-on-the-Wolds.

The “final course” was now ready as we headed back into the wind accompanied with a “dish of Etton Mess” followed by a cocktail with a Cherry Burton on top. “Anyone got room for more?” asked Mr Bumble “Oh go on then. Just a wafer thin mint” at which point we set off to tackle “Granny’s Hump”. Now at the end of the meal we could sit back and relax and reflect on the generosity of our “host” and can agree that indeed it was all rather satisfying.

Day 3 – Trip to Ross-on-Wye and Monmouth

Today’s journey was planned to visit the towns of Ross-on-Wye and Monmouth. The forecast was good with only a 10% chance of rain. Setting off in lovely sunshine we turned towards Lyne Down and Fishpool. “Ooh that sounds interesting” somebody suggested as we entered the tiny hamlet consisting of only a few houses. The only sign of water though was the sweat from our brows as we faced a couple of short steep climbs on the way to Upton Bishop.

The “Hill Billies” then turned south on the B4224, an undulating road passing South Herefordshire Golf Club and dipping under the M50 to reach Bromsash. A gentle downhill then followed to Weston where we picked up the A40 into Ross-on-Wye. As this was also a “sightseeing” trip we had planned to look around the town centre, however those in the lead continued to follow the “sat-nav” and were heading out of town until shouts from behind brought them back. “We should have a look around the town centre, perhaps have a coffee break” suggested Neil. “What? It’s too soon. I’ve only just arrived at Market Cross” wailed Chad.

After cycling/wandering aimlessly through town looking for the riverside, we stopped near a car park. “It’s through here” said Neil as we followed him through the car park and onto a footpath along by the river. After dodging pedestrians along the way, we eventually found an outdoor cafe by the river.

When we’d finished our coffees, the dark clouds were gathering. “Right which way shall we go? Along the river path?” asked Neil hopefully wishing to avoid the 9% climb up to the town centre. It was not long before the heavens opened. “I hate getting wet” said Neil while Pugwash smugly donned his rain jacket. “I’m going to Mountain Warehouse to buy a jacket” said Neil, “I’ll come too” added James while the rest of us went to find shelter near the Ross Sports club.

Once on our way again, we cruised down to Walford so we could follow the river valley. The first section from Kerne Bridge to Lower Lydbrook was gently rolling but with the rain still falling we were unable to fully appreciate this designated AONB. On reaching Lower Lydbrook we found “Road Closed” across our intended passage. Undaunted we decided to carry on anyway thinking “There’s usually a way through for bikes and they won’t be working on a Sunday”. As we cleared the section under repair, the rain started to ease up while the road gradient did the opposite. The climb up to English Bicknor was 6.3km (4 miles for Old schoolers) with sections tipping up to 10-13%. At least we enjoyed the closed road.

From Staunton into Monmouth we had a lovely downhill section for 5km but with a wet road surface caution was required around the corners. In town we stopped at the Monnow Bridge before calling at Estero Lounge where we stopped for lunch.

After lunch we left Monmouth on the Hereford road before turning towards Osbaston where we immediately hit two short sharp climbs in a row while following the river Monnow. Over the border back into England we reached Trigate Bridge before the next climb over 2.6km starting with a 21% kick before easing to around 8% bringing us to Welsh Newton. The climbing did not end there as we hit another 8-9% on the way out. Finally we came to a descent into Llangarron. Unfortunately the single track lane was full of pot holes and hazards making progress tricky.

The final leg saw yet more climbing as we returned via Hoarwithy, King’s Caple and How Caple. At least the sun was starting to shine and when we came to Crossway, we were met by Alison who rode with us for the final few miles back to our house.

Day 2 – Southern Cider Tour (shortened version)

On the local Herefordshire website there are three listed “cider tours, ideal for cyclists” one of which passed quite close to our house, so that was the route we chose. However the route also took in Hereford and after our previous experience the day before decided to amend the route to avoid Hereford. Ideally we’d stop at each of the Cider Brewerys along the way but the thought of “sampling” and cycling did not appeal, so we opted to call into Weston’s Scrumpy House at the end of the ride which was quite close to home.

Some rain was forecast for the day and it didn’t disappoint. It kept “persisting” it down most of the day. At least the start was dry as we set off down past Weston’s on our way to Much Marcle. It was not long after Ledbury that the sky started to “rain on our parade” ☔. Time for rain jackets, well at least for those who’d thought to bring them.

“It’s only a brief shower” we thought/hoped 🤞until eventually we found the Hop Pocket cafe near to Bishop’s Frome to seek some shelter and refreshments. Sure enough, by the time we left the cafe, the rain had let up. Unfortunately it was not the end of it and it was time to put jackets on again. It was becoming like the movie ‘Karate Kid’ “Jackets on, Jackets Off” except for those without who were ‘content’ to continue with “soggy bottoms” (and tops for that matter).

The next leg was a gentle undulating climb to Burley Gate followed by a sharp steep descent around Ocle Pych. In fact we were enjoying the downhill so much we almost missed the turn to Withington. Continuing on to Longworth and Prior’s Frome we were faced with a number of short sharp punchy climbs before eventually dropping down to Mordiford.

On regrouping at the bottom, there was no sign of Chad and Neil. As we waited, “Postman Pat” pulled up alongside us to let us know he’d passed our two guys mending a puncture. At that point Heather and James headed to the nearby pub to await the return, while Matt, Pug and Mark “kept vigil” on the corner. After a short while, Mark set off back up the hill to see if he could see them only to spot them on the way down. Luckily the rain had eased up by now as we congregated in the beer garden at the Moon pub. “Shall we have a drink here?” someone asked. Tempting as it was, we decided to stick to our original idea and continue our ride.

Questions arose about which route to take home from Mordiford. Should we turn left to repeat the climb we’d done yesterday or keep going on the slightly longer way round. Stick to the planned route was the consensus. Unfortunately Heather mustn’t have heard correctly and missed the main group depart toward Fownhope as she and James turned left towards Haugh Wood.

As we reached the top of the first climb out of Fownhope, we stopped to wait for our “missing” two, thinking they must have been caught by the traffic lights we’d passed on the way. As the wait got longer and longer, Neil decided to phone Heather to check they were OK. “Where are you?” he asked. “We’re over the hill and down the other side” she said “Where are you?” “We’re at the top of the hill waiting for you”. It then dawned on us that we were talking about different hills. “OK we’ll see you at Weston’s”.

After continuing up the next hill, it became clear that Neil’s puncture repair had not been truly effective so he decided to abandon and wait for rescue at Lucksall Cafe while the rest of us carried on. After a few more stiff 15% hill challenges we arrived at the Cider Mill to find Heather and James already there nursing a well earned drink. Well it would be rude not to. 🍻 Chin chin!